Gridiron Girl

I’m Errrrrywhere! by BDazzle
September 26, 2009, 4:31 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Hi All!

Just thought y’all would like to know I’m writing a gossip column over at Third Coast Digest.


Fabulous Fantasy Football Tips and Tactics by BDazzle

Hey All! With fantasy football draft season  in full-swing, who better than me, Gridiron Girl — an expert of all things football AND fabulous —  to give you a list of fantasy tips…

Get Pumped.

  • No one likes a mindless follower, so zig when everyone else zags and select a kicker with your first pick. This will signal to everyone that you’re not going to abide by their preconceived notions of “strategy” and “competence.”
  • The second round is considered the “Alliteration Round,” so be on the lookout for players like Ray Rice, Brian Brohm, Joe Jurevicious and Wes Welker.
  • Handcuffing is essential for Fantasy Success — be sure to draft a lot of Cincinnati Bengals.
  • Follow punter stats closely — field position affects scoring on all three phases of fantasy football.
Brad Maynard devastates another Fantasy Team.
  • Know your league scoring format; some leagues use “PPR” scoring. If you are in a Points-Per-Retribution league — where points are scored for cheap shots and poor sportsmanship — consider moving Hines Ward and Albert Haynesworth up your draftboard.
  • Be aware of “bye weeks”: The more players you draft with the same bye week the stronger your team is for the rest of the season.
  • If your draft is in-person, nothing intimidates other owners like the severed head of a pig perched precariously close to the edge of your drafting table.
  • Drafting live is like playing poker. Make sure to wear sunglasses and a promotional hat.
  • If you pick up a Gramatica early, make sure you nab a sibling deeper in the draft… You never can have too many Gramaticas.

  • A league is not won on draft day, but it can be wasted away in a blur of hotwings and Monster energy drink.
  • Remember, fantasy football is primarily for losers. You can avoid this stigma by periodically reminding everyone that you’re still cool by performing Austin Powers impressions and referencing Bud Light commercials.
  • Consistent, and accurate-throwing Chad Pennington is a low-risk, high-reward, fucking-boring choice for QB.
  • Utility players like Chris Cooley are especially valuable; Cooley will have tight end, running back, and finger-pointing duties for the Redskins this season.
  • Drafting other owners’ backup running backs is an excellent way to throw away draft picks AND be a dick.

Cutlacher: P*ssygate! by BDazzle
August 5, 2009, 6:29 am
Filed under: Big Talk, Off-Field Antics | Tags: , , , ,

Uh-oh, Cutlacher is getting catty! It’s an urban jungle out there filled with all kinds of Lions, and Panthers, and Jaguars (oh my!).  Save your claws for when they count!  Meeeeee-ow!

Urlacher-Cutler: This is great

It’s my snarky, you can cry if you want to …

Maybe Brian Urlacher called Jay Cutler that exact naughty word that Vikings wideout-slash-former Bear-slash-Urlacher pal Bobby Wade said on a Minnesota radio station, maybe he didn’t.

But this is great.

Maybe the Bears’ middle linebacker confronted the team’s new golden boy in the locker room during off-season team activities, perhaps to the point of requiring teammates to separate them, depending on whom you believe, maybe not.

But this is great.

Something happened. Absolutely. Something was said, something happened. Urlacher and Wade got together in Vegas last week. Urlacher had a thought on Cutler. A perfectly understandable thought, by the way, what with the way Cutler whined his way out of Denver.

“I don’t want to get him in trouble,” Wade told the radio station, “but it wasn’t what [the Bears] expected. Pretty much [Urlacher] said Jay Cutler was a [bleep] for the most part.”

You could argue that Wade was using his word for the way Urlacher characterized Cutler, but whatever, this isn’t some made-up story. This is not a Vikings plan to deflect attention from their own quarterback mess that has been handled so miserably you’d think Rashied Davis was the intended receiver. Connect the dots, people.

You don’t have to look beyond the way everybody has gone into spinning mode, specifically Urlacher’s offering a non-denial denial lacking the anger of injustice. Ballgame.

And look who’s getting into the gossip game… Chicago Public Radio with a hilarious Cutlacher phone convojuicy!

Looks like Mr. G is letting Mr. V out of the dog house. Will he be kept on a short leash or will he live a dog’s life? by kennythunder

Vicks reaction to employees at Petsmart saying they will put his application on file, but are fully staffed.
Vick’s reaction to employees at Petsmart saying they will “put his application on file, but are fully staffed.”

Well, congratulations Michael Vick. You have been reinstated back to the National Football League. Your margin for error is paper cut thin, but you did it! So tell your old friends that you can no longer come out to play, and send your undercover water bottles of weed with them. I can see NASA and the NFL merge together to make a satellite to watch over you. (It’s possible Google will help with the street view.) Scared yet? No? I am pretty certain that if you step foot into a mall that happens to have a pet store, you will be banned forever. Sherriff Goodell makes Japanese discipline look like a Tuesday afternoon in Amsterdam.

Leading up to and after Vick being reinstated, I have heard many people say that he paid his debt to society. Almost two years in prison. Whether he really has paid his debt, or truly changed is a matter of opinion and time. The part that I don’t understand is supporters saying that he deserves a second chance to play in the NFL. That’s funny, I don’t remember that being a right. You constantly hear athletes talk about football being a business first. Okay, fair enough. A business that puts athletes in a tax income bracket to the point where they are forced to vote Republican doesn’t just let anyone back. Let’s pretend Conrad Black was just released from prison. Can you imagine if he went back to Hollinger International or any other big news publishing company and asked for his old job? They would laugh him out of the room, and when they were done laughing they would beat him with novelty sized jumbo billy clubs.

With that said, I don’t believe he should be let back into the league. Saying you made a mistake doesn’t even cover what had happened. When I make a mistake, it’s something like, “Whoops I left my keys in my car” or “I forgot I made plans with Julie on Tuesday.” The guy bankrolled an operation where dogs fought to the death and then were maliciously killed. If that wasn’t enough, he killed dogs himself to get in on the action. Call him the Mark Cuban of dog fighting. I understand that humans make mistakes. I just think his heinous actions fall under something far worse. There is a deep rooted problem in somebody that has no compassion for a living thing. Also, don’t give me that its a cultural thing. If it were a cultural thing, it would be legal. You live in the USA. Don’t compare it to hunting either. Last time I checked, hunters killed for food and environmental reasons such as starvation. Overall, a greater purpose. (Yes, there are hunters that kill for sport. I’m also out of touch with those people too.)

Let’s say that he doesn’t get reinstated. There would be one less quarterback that runs every play because he can’t hit a moving target. Don’t pretend like you don’t know people! Vick was the Chuck Knoblauch of quarterbacks. People acted as if he was Houdini until it came to a tough defense. I’m going to come out and say that I am rooting for him to fail. As a sports fan, I hold grudges. But this is not a sports grudge, this is a human grudge. (Band name noted!) Whether he is awful on the field or a speeding ticket off it, I don’t want Michael Vick in the league. Whatever happened to that ten dollar an hour construction job that he had lined up? It sounds more suitable for a guy that is begging for a second chance and seeking structure in his life.

by Kenny Bernat

It Was Already Over, Babe by rrvvoosstteerrss

Sometimes letting go isn’t easy, but when a past love keeps coming back for more, eventually enough’s enough.


By JUDD ZULGAD, Star Tribune

Brett Favre won’t be joining the Vikings. (edited 8/09)

Vikings coach Brad Childress told the Star Tribune late this afternoon that the quarterback informed the team he has decided to remain retired. Childress cited the daily grind both mentally and physically as part of the reason why Favre remained retired.

“I just think it was a rare opportunity to explore a Hall of Fame quarterback who had background in the NFC and in this division,” Childress said. “He knows our system inside out … This doesn’t change anything about how I feel about our football team.”

Favre’s decision comes one day before players begin reporting to training in Mankato. Favre had told the team he would have a decision by Thursday, when players must officially report to camp. The Vikings begin practicing on Friday.

Favre’s decision means that Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels will compete for the starting job. That was the plan when the Vikings acquired Rosenfels from Houston last February for a fourth-round draft pick.

Favre entered the picture when the New York Jets released him from their reserve/retired list on April 28 after the team drafted Mark Sanchez in the first round. Favre had retired from the Jets in February in part because he was bothered by a partially torn biceps in his throwing arm.

Favre, who will turn 40 on Oct. 10, had surgery in late May to repair the arm and began working out with receivers at a high school in Hattiesburg, Miss. Ultimately his concern became whether he could make it through the rigors of a 16-game season.

Earlier Tuesday, kicker Ryan Longwell, a former teammate of Favre’s with Green Bay, had put the chances of Favre returning at only 50-50. This was after many thought Favre was a lock to return.

Arrowheads are Obsolete by Matthew Dangerfox

Kansas City isn’t known for its nightlife, but excitement can be found if you know where to look. However, not all of the action is begging to be explored. When LJ gets dissed, there’re more than words that come out of that mouth. Although the lady in question may have wanted another drink, she probably would have preferred it in a glass. If this running back gets removed, will the Chiefs be able to turn their tepees into TD’s?

Chiefs’ Johnson under investigation for latest incident involving a woman news services

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson is being investigated for allegedly spitting a drink in a woman’s face at a nightclub, the fourth time in five years he’s been accused of assaulting a woman.

Kansas City police are looking into a report of nonaggravated assault against Johnson for telling a woman that he was going to kill her boyfriend then spitting in her face at Club Blonde on Oct. 10.

The case has been assigned to a detective and will be investigated as resources allow, police spokesman Capt. Rich Lockhart said. Johnson has not been charged.

Ashley Stewart, 24, told police she had left the nightclub in Kansas City’s Country Club Plaza district but re-entered around 1:45 a.m. to find a friend. Johnson, who had tried to buy her a drink at the same club a week earlier, asked the friend to have Stewart come over, according to the police report.

Johnson got close to Stewart while swinging his arms belligerently, then said, “All I wanted [to] tell you is I’m going to kill your boyfriend,” the report said.

Johnson kept talking to Stewart and spit the drink in her face after she backed away, the report said.

Stewart told police that Johnson’s bodyguards then tackled her and that bouncers from the club escorted her outside. Johnson tried to spit on her three more times while walking to his car after the club manager asked him to leave, the report said.

Johnson already faces a Dec. 3 court date on a charge of simple assault for shoving the side of a woman’s face at a club in February. He faces a maximum jail term of six months and a $500 fine on the charge filed last month.

The Chiefs deactivated Johnson for Sunday’s game against Tennessee for violating unspecified team rules. A team spokesman said the benching was unrelated to the current investigation, and coach Herm Edwards said Monday that Johnson is expected to play this week against the New York Jets.

NFL spokesman Greg Aiello declined comment, saying the league had nothing to add to a statement issued by Chiefs general manager Carl Peterson on Sunday.

Sources told ESPN’s Michael Smith that the pattern of behavior will lead to a possible suspension for Johnson under the NFL’s personal conduct policy.

“It’s just a matter of for how long,” one source told Smith.

A source close the situation told’s Bill Williamson that Johnson has not had any meetings with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell or has been told of a pending punishment. The source doesn’t necessarily believe Johnson is in the clear, but he simply has not been told of any news yet.

The Chiefs acknowledged Johnson’s latest troubles in a statement Sunday.

“We are aware of the most recent incident involving Larry Johnson and we are very disappointed with his involvement,” team president Carl Peterson said. “We will cooperate fully with the Kansas City authorities who are investigating the matter. We have also made the NFL office in New York aware of the incident and officials there are conducting their own independent investigation.

“Based upon the NFL Player Conduct Policy, we will have no further comment.”

Johnson’s troubles are nothing new.

He was charged in 2003 with felony aggravated assault and misdemeanor domestic battery for waving a gun during an argument with a former girlfriend at his home. The charges were dropped when Johnson agreed to participate in a domestic violence diversion program.

Johnson also had charges against him dropped in 2005 after a woman who accused him of pushing her to the ground at a Kansas City bar failed to appear in three court hearings.

Johnson has rushed for 417 yards and three touchdowns for the Chiefs, who lost to Tennessee to fall to 1-5. In August 2007, the club signed its 2003 first-round draft pick to a six-year, $45 million extension that included $19 million in guarantees.

Dressing to Regress by BDazzle

You know the drill girls; you might dress like all that but if you don’t have any substance behind the style, the big boys’ll throw you back in the pile.

49ers fire Nolan, promote Singletary to head coach
By GREG BEACHAM, AP Sports Writer

AP – Oct 20, 9:26 pm EDT

SANTA CLARA, Calif. (AP)—His teams never played as well as he dressed.

Mike Nolan, the San Francisco 49ers’ dapper coach, was fired Monday night after seven games in his fourth consecutive dismal season, ending his attempt to rebuild the five-time Super Bowl champions.

After four straight losses culminating in Sunday’s 29-17 defeat to the New York Giants, the 49ers didn’t even wait until their bye next week before replacing Nolan with assistant head coach Mike Singletary. The Hall of Fame linebacker will take over for the rest of the season, general manager Scot McCloughan said.

Nolan cut a striking figure on the 49ers’ sideline in his custom-made dress suits and ties. His team’s performances, however, could not match his sartorial splendor. He was 18-37 in nearly 3 1/2 seasons with the 49ers, who hired the veteran defensive coordinator to run every aspect of the club in January 2005.

Nolan brought back a measure of respectability to a franchise that finished with the NFL’s worst record in 2004, but he has the lowest winning percentage (.327) among any San Francisco coaches who made it through more than one season with the team. He barely avoided dismissal after finishing 5-11 last season, but couldn’t even make it to midseason this fall.
“The decision was difficult, because Mike has been both a friend and valued coach of our team,” said McCloughan, who was hired by Nolan but gained authority over the coach last year. “My first obligation is to do what is in the best interest of our fans and the entire 49ers organization.”

Instead of logically delaying a decision on Nolan’s fate until the bye following Sunday’s home game against Seattle, McCloughan and owners John and Jed York suddenly couldn’t wait another day to get rid of the family’s choice to fix the 49ers, who have endured five consecutive losing seasons and haven’t made the playoffs since 2002.

Nolan was the third NFL coach to be dismissed during the season, joining Oakland’s Lane Kiffin and St. Louis’ Scott Linehan. The Rams have won two straight games under interim coach Jim Haslett, and the Raiders are 1-1 under Tom Cable.

Yet the 49ers still came up with a bizarre way to announce a decision that should fill their fans with joy. Nolan first confirmed his firing to, but the team waited more than six hours to make a formal announcement.

Nolan seemed to have no idea he would be fired when he conducted his usual news conference earlier Monday, and he didn’t return a phone call from The Associated Press. Several team executives—including Jed York—and coaches either wouldn’t comment or didn’t return phone messages, e-mails or text messages, while most 49ers players only knew what they heard on TV.

Such abrupt, secretive decision-making is no surprise from an organization run by the mercurial York family, which took over the 49ers after beloved owner Eddie DeBartolo lost control of the team in 2000 to his sister, Denise DeBartolo York.

The 49ers’ fortunes have plummeted under the Yorks, who improbably gave power over every aspect of the Niners’ football operations to Nolan, a career assistant who had never been a personnel executive. The unorthodox arrangement finally reached the conclusion many expected when Nolan was shown the door.

Singletary, the famed centerpiece of the Chicago Bears’ dominant defense on their 1986 Super Bowl team, has been at Nolan’s side since 2003, when he worked for Nolan on the Baltimore Ravens’ coaching staff. Singletary interviewed for a handful of head coaching vacancies in recent years, but was out of the NFL from the end of his playing career in 1992 until joining the Ravens.

“I am confident that Mike Singletary’s leadership ability, along with his experience as both a Hall of Fame player and coach, gives him the ability to turn our season around,” McCloughan said.

The 49ers didn’t manage a winning season or make a significant impact on the league in Nolan’s tenure. In fact, he might end up being best remembered in San Francisco for his insistence on wearing a suit and tie on the sideline for the 49ers’ home games.

After two years of protracted negotiations with Reebok, which has a contract to supply clothing to the league’s coaches, Nolan got permission to wear his specially designed suits for two games in 2006 and a full home season last year. He claimed they projected an image of authority while paying tribute to the league’s former coaching greats, including his late father, Dick, who coached the 49ers and New Orleans Saints.

The 49ers fielded the NFL’s worst offense during two of Nolan’s first three seasons, including last year. His first two offensive coordinators—Mike McCarthy and Norv Turner—left after one season for head coaching jobs, and Mike Martz became his fourth offensive coordinator last winter.

Nolan’s future also was heavily tied to quarterback Alex Smith, the No. 1 overall pick in 2005. Smith never became a consistent starter in his first three seasons, and had an embarrassing public spat with Nolan last year over the severity of the quarterback’s shoulder injuries, which forced him onto injured reserve.

Smith’s shoulder gave him more problems this year, and the quarterback went on injured reserve before the season began. The 49ers promoted veteran journeyman J.T. O’Sullivan to the starting job, but a decent offense under Martz’s direction hasn’t been able to counteract a defense that has yielded a league-high 196 points.