Gridiron Girl

Hey All! With fantasy football draft season  in full-swing, who better than me, Gridiron Girl — an expert of all things football AND fabulous —  to give you a list of fantasy tips…

• No one likes a mindless follower, so zig when everyone else zags and select a kicker with your first pick. This will signal to everyone that you’re not going to abide by their preconceived notions of “strategy” and “competence.”

• The second round is considered the “Alliteration Round,” so be on the lookout for players like Ray Rice, Brian Brohm, Joe Jurevicious and Wes Welker.

• Handcuffing is essential for Fantasy Success — be sure to draft a lot of Cincinnati Bengals.

• Follow punter stats closely — field position affects scoring on all three phases of fantasy football.

• Know your league scoring format; some leagues use “PPR” scoring. If you are in a Points-Per-Retribution league — where points are scored for cheap shots and poor sportsmanship — consider moving Hines Ward and Albert Haynesworth up your draftboard.

• Be aware of “bye weeks”: The more players you draft with the same bye week the stronger your team is for the rest of the season.

• If your draft is in-person, nothing intimidates other owners like the severed head of a pig perched precariously close to the edge of your drafting table.

• Drafting live is like playing poker. Make sure to wear sunglasses and a promotional hat.

• If you pick up a Gramatica early, make sure you nab a sibling deeper in the draft… You never can have too many Gramaticas.

• A league is not won on draft day, but it can be wasted away in a blur of hotwings and Monster energy drink.

• Remember, fantasy football is primarily for losers. You can avoid this stigma by periodically reminding everyone that you’re still cool by performing Austin Powers impressions and referencing Bud Light commercials.

• Consistent, and accurate-throwing Chad Pennington is a low-risk, high-reward, fucking-boring choice for QB.

• Utility players like Chris Cooley are especially valuable; Cooley will have tight end, running back, and finger-pointing duties for the Redskins this season.

• Drafting other owners’ backup running backs is an excellent way to throw away draft picks AND be a dick.